


Alone

by orphan_account



Series: Short Ego Writings [4]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Denial of Feelings, Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, M/M, local demon shocked that having friends can actually be nice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2020-02-28 22:12:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18765280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account





	Alone

Alone protected him. With his wits and strength, he was perfectly self-reliable. And he knew that.

He never worked with others, and always opted for the lone path. Some might see it as a safer alternative to huddle with groups, but Anti couldn't wrap his head around it, logically. To him, you had more control when alone. You decide where to go. You decide what to do. You decide what matters most. And you wouldn't have to consult anyone before hand. You wouldn't have to worry about other people's feelings or safety. Why would you willingly put yourself into a position where you would have to consider those things? Why would you make it harder on yourself?

Anti couldn't answer those questions for many, many years.

It wasn't until recently that he started to understand.

In Anti's mind, companionship was a choice. It was a decision that anyone could make. Only the smart chose to be alone, while the insufficient grouped together. It was logical. It made sense.

It started out slow, like molasses. Moving and spreading at an unnoticeable pace. When they first started to connect, it was hard to tell. Their relationship was still fragile, but mending. Yet it striked some of the most positive feelings that Anti had experienced in quite a long time. How it made him want more, how it made him careless.

Over time, "friends" was more suitable label than "acquaintances", something they had been calling themselves for a considerable amount of years. The foundation they had built was solid and trustworthy. Only this was when Anti became suspicious of himself, was he starting to lose his character? But the idea of stopping seemed so. Empty.

He let things continue. He soon expanded and met more people, each with as much eccentricity as himself. 'Interesting' was not the word to describe it. He didn't have a word to encapture how he felt.

Anti kept his eyes on his...friend. However, even that label was starting to tire out after a while. It didn't feel right anymore. There needed to be a bigger word, with a deeper meaning. Something to truly express the nature of their relationship.

There was none.

It proved to be a challenge. Every time Anti was with the other, he struggled on what to label him as. 'Friend' would work, yes? But the sound of it made Anti mildly underwhelmed. Their was this connection between the two, something only people who have known each other so long can have. The presence of one another wasn't only pleasant, but deeply wanted. Anti found himself regularly thinking about the other when separated. He found himself wanting to be around the other. Talk to the other. Touch the other.

It made him concerned for himself. His beliefs were falling apart. The introverted character he had portrayed himself as did not fit any more. How could he call himself a loner when he was this attached to another person? Was this the most logical path, or simply his emotions taking over?

Should he shove the puzzle pieces back where they once were, or rearrange them altogether?

And as the relationship continued, the more emotions Anti started to feel. Some were nameless, and could only be compared to a form of bliss.

It took a while for Anti to realize that he was in love.

The day he attached a name to all of those feelings, everything else matched together. His thoughts, his wants, his actions. They all seemed irrational at first, but now there was a nameable source.

The discovery was unexpected, of course. He was unsure whether to feel nauseous or contented.

It just made life harder. So many conflicting thoughts at once, conflicting beliefs. Soon it made him wonder, was he this far gone? Had he become what he hated, an emotional, irrational being? Was he soft?

He was borderline angry with himself. How he would daydream, entertaining the possibilities of a romance. Of close encounters. Of breaking personal spaces. But that's all they were; daydreams. Nothing else. He would never act on them. Because this is all he had left. If he could retain his wants, his pride would stay in tact.

Being with the other went from enjoyable to unbearable. He couldn't help but overthink and wonder. Was ignoring these feelings a practical solution? If, hypothetically, he weren't to ignore these feelings, would there even be a chance for him? Or would he lose the one close friend he managed to gain?

To put it simply, it was hell. Anti could not have predicted anything like this ever happening to him. It took a toll on him, and his brain was tired. His emotions were worn out and the once excited feeling he had now morphed into anxiety.

So many times, he felt hopeless. Where could he go from this? There was no turning back, no ducking out. He was too far in. And he didn't know what to do. For once in his life, he couldn't rely on logic.

It was an extraordinary relief when they finally, finally kissed. It cleared up so many things, made everything seem worth it. All of the fears, all of the squabbles, everything washed away in what seemed like an instant.

And though things weren't perfect after that, it honestly didn't matter.

Nothing was more satisfying than seeing the same joy on the other's face when they pulled apart. It made Anti know that he wasn't alone in this.

Days went on. Then weeks. Months. Years. And somehow, everything was okay.

Anti never thought he would enjoy many things. But nothing could describe that feeling when the other would throw a blanket over Anti when he was tired. Or when the other would tie the tie around Anti's collar, because he was always terrible at that. Or right now, the other opening the curtain blinds to their bedroom window, letting fresh sunlight cascade over the room.

_"Morning, Anti."_

And that's when he started to understand

_"Hey, Dark."_

That maybe companionship wasn't so bad.


End file.
